I’ve been craving entertainment recently. I know there’s nothing unusual in that, but Father Christmas’ recent visit has tripled my DVD collection. I’ve treated myself to a few more books on Amazon because, despite having loads on unread titles on my shelves, I can never find anything I feel like reading. I have Calderdale Library’s entire collection of Maeve Binchy audiobooks out on loan (apologies to everyone else who lives in the Halifax area!) and I can’t spend more than two nights in in a row. Plus I’m spending more and more time on Hotmail, Facebook and Match.com. I’m not normally like this.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to curl up with a good book, talk to your mates on Facebook, have a decent social life or watch the occasional TV programme. But it’s the extent to which I’ve been doing it recently that worries me.Perhaps I’m thinking about this even more with my imminent departure to St Beuno’s for six weeks of silence. There will be no DVDs of Doc Martin, no finding friends on Facebook and no hot dates off Match.com. I won’t even be allowed to read.
That always surprises people – not being allowed to read whilst on silent retreat. After all, unless you’re five years old and can’t yet read in your head, or you’re a particularly noisy page turner, reading doesn’t make any noise.
But the silence on a silent retreat is not about an absence of noise. The birds are still allowed to sing and you’re allowed to listen. In fact, their singing seems louder, brighter and more beautiful than ever before. Music is played in the dining room at mealtimes and mass is said once a day.
So if it isn’t about the absence of noise, what is it about?
For me, it’s about being alone with myself. And entertainment? The books, the DVDs, the Maeve Binchy audio books? They’re my attempts at avoiding being alone with myself.
I’ll just reiterate: there is nothing wrong with enjoying a book, film, TV programme or a good old gossip with a friend. But sometimes – and this has been me in recent weeks – I think that we do those things not just because we enjoy them but to distract ourselves from our lives. I watch TV when I’m bored or I’m lonely. I want to forget that I’m bored and lonely and have a bit of escapism. Now where’s that Downton Abbey boxed set gone?
Going on silent retreat, or simply having a period of silent meditation at home, allows me to feel my loneliness or my boredom or whatever other emotion I am feeling and perhaps struggling with. And I think just allowing myself time to feel those emotions is key to dealing with them.
When I look back at the hardest times of my life – the weeks following a broken engagement back in 1998, the months following the breakdown of my marriage in 2004, I see how I kept myself busy. My social diary was full, I took on extra work, as soon as I walked through the door I’d turn the TV on and I’d spend hours sending messages on Match.com. I tried so hard to keep myself entertained so that I wouldn’t have to feel the hurt, the anger, the upset, the loneliness….. you name it, I avoided feeling it very successfully.
So this is my goal now. Not to give my Doc Martin and Downton Abbey DVDs to the nearest charity shop. Not to stop ordering from Amazon or allow other Halifax residents to get their hands on the Maeve Binchy audiobooks. My goal is to keep all those things in my life because I enjoy them, but also have some silence, even when I’m NOT on retreat. To have some silence to really get in touch with how I’m feeling. That sounds terribly “New Age” but I think it’s also terribly important.
